I woke up the other morning, rolled over then grabbed my phone off the nightstand. Turned on Love Drought, I’m really feeling this one from Beyonce’s LEMONADE album. I put my feet on the carpeted floor of my cousin’s guest bedroom where I’ve been staying for the past two months and began doing a yoga flow which quickly turned into an impromptu dance session. My locs pulled back into a ponytail, I spun around in my heather grey boyfriend t-shirt. I’m not a dancer, but I felt as graceful as Misty Copeland. My arms swaying from side to side as I glided over the carpet. I was dancing. I was transcending.
In 2006, I met a magnificent man. I had a list and he was everything on it. I had manifested him. He made me feel safe and loved. I loved him quickly and deeply. Fast forward, to August 2013. He finally proposed!! After six and half years of shacking up, he’d put a ring on it! Yes, I was winning. I felt validated. I no longer had to answer that awkward question, “When are you guys going to get married?” No longer had to feel like it was something wrong with me because he hadn’t asked me to be his wife. I could hang with the wives club. I’d made it. Started out as wifey, now I was about to be his wife. My social status and confidence, was on a new level.
Two months ago, after several attempts of trying to “make it work“, and us constantly breaking and making up. I’d give the ring back and he’d ask for it back. Setting wedding dates and cancelling them. I realized I needed to fix my own life. I walked away. I left a good man, with a good job, and no kids. Who does that?! A woman, a goddess, a queen that is in tune with the deeper part of herself.
Years ago when I started, a personal yoga & meditation practice I began to love myself in a way I didn’t know was possible. Gradually, I learned how to embrace all aspects of Trina wholeheartedly. My goddess energy was slowly starting to rise up. I started doing things that felt good to me which drove a wedge between us. My desire to be unapologetically me, meant I had to walk away from a man that I’d loved for nearly a decade. The life we had built together had to dissolve.
I’ve amazed myself. Throughout, this transition, I’ve never focused on what I was losing or leaving behind. My focus has been about the connection that I’m gaining with myself. The clarity of my desires and my overall vision for what I want. I’m embracing my goddess energy.
In the past, I’ve definitely been the girl who would cry herself to sleep during a breakup. The total emotional wreck girl that doesn’t try to hide it, who is secretly seeking pity from anyone that would offer it. Running home to assume the all too familiar fetal position while a trail of tears hits the pillow. I’ve only cried a couple times, since I walked away. Each morning, I wake up and meditate or just allow myself to think about everything I want. For me, it’s not about having it ALL. It is about feeling good, just imagining. Not because I need any of it, but because it makes my soul smile just to focus on my deepest desires. Those things I want, the places I want to go, relationships and soulful connections I want to experience. My whole focus, has shifted from getting somewhere to enjoying the journey. Feeling good along the way. Focusing on the good in my life as it is in the present moment. Now I know, that there is no destination I should seek to achieve happiness. The happiness, joy and connection is always available, right here and now. It’s inside me.
I thought I needed to be married and have kids to be happy. Now, I’m like I may get married, I may not. I may have kids. I may not. Either way, I know I’ll be happy. Living in my truth. Honoring my own desires. Loving myself and others unconditionally everyday is what creates my happy, my peace and clarity. At the end of the day, it is not our job to figure it ALL out. To work out all the details of our lives. We only need to seek the love within. All the love and harmony, that we long for is inside. It is not waiting for us to get married, have children, get the business up and running, lose the weight or have more money. The powerful goddess energy that can move mountains and give life is only waiting for us to realize it. Embrace it. Single, married, or divorced we are all goddesses.
Peace. Love and Light.