I’ve gone back-and-forth wondering how much of this I should share in a world where Tyrese is getting so much shade for being all in his feelings. I can sit up and post about my last workout or how veganism is giving me life, but how does projecting perfection really serve the world?
Ultimately, I believe there’s more strength in vulnerability. By somehow pulling back the curtain, letting you in on my struggle is not only cathartic for me, but somehow what I’m going through what I’m experiencing may make someone else dealing with a similar issue not feel so alone. May someone get a small glimmer of hope from this.
Here goes, I was dumped on last Saturday morning, so not even a week ago he broke up with me. I finally said clearly what I wanted. I set one expectation and he bowed out the fight. I thought, “Am I not worth the effort?”, “Did he ever care about me at all?”, “How is it so easy to walk away?”. Despite these unanswered questions, I take responsibility too.
In a world where, I fully embrace Abraham Hicks, philosophy of the law of attraction and allowing, and Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now I got involved with someone just having fun. Neither of us was thinking about anything serious. Two souls living in the moment, caught in the flow. Enjoying each other’s company, no strings attached. Until, (cue the violins) my heart got involved, then my desires got involved, and almost immediately expectations showed up. I hid my expectations in the corner of my heart for as long as I could. Like a kid playing hide and seek behind the living room curtains, they kept peeking out. He noticed, we had a conversation, so afraid that I would lose the love affair that I wanted to be my last I pushed my needs to the back of the closet out of fear of pushing this beautiful soul away. I accommodated. I shrank. I was a coward. Not only would I have to confess to him what I really wanted, but I would have had to confess to myself. In the words of Kevin Hart, “pineapples, I wasn’t ready”. I wasn’t ready to own my desires. I wasn’t ready to risk that he didn’t want the same things. After spending time with him, I had realized that I wanted something serious, something meaningful, a long-term partnership with someone amazing. I thought he could be that amazing someone.
The line between loving someone else and loving ourselves is oh so thin. How does one begin to decide where and when to draw the line in the sand? In hindsight, I think I waited too long to have a conversation, so instead of having a nice conversation, a healthy exchange I waited until I waited until I popped like a good bag of popcorn all hot and ready. I went on a small yet powerful texting rampage, the heat from my fingers could have caused my phone to overheat.
So on day 5 of the breakup, what have I learned? I’ve learned that we should be honest not only with the other person, but with ourselves about what we really want because it gives us an opportunity to receive what we want. It gives the other person an opportunity to say no I don’t want those things. You can both walk away before too many feelings are involved. As much as I feel like a sucka, secretly waiting for my inner savage to pop out I’m actually proud of myself, for letting my passivity go and letting my truth flow. Well, it was more like a fiery inferno, but it was authentic. He was authentic, when he said “Bye, Felicia”.
I’m not going to sit here and say that everything is all good. I’ve learned a lesson and now I’m perfectly healed. I look forward to meeting the man of my dreams, Mr. Right, my twin flame, my soulmate. It is just freaking day five, so I am healing. I am learning to accept that we can’t change what other people want, do, or don’t want. We have to be able to be true to ourselves and not accept less than what we really want from anyone.
Set healthy boundaries in all of our relationships, friendships, and with family. Don’t be afraid to say what you want and wait to receive it. While I impatiently wait for my true love to show up I’m focusing on the woman in the mirror, loving her, giving her the life she wants and focusing on her growth, what she needs most from me right now. The end of one relationship has led to an expansion of the one I have with myself. I guess that’s the gift of a breakup.